


loving you was sunshine, but then it poured

by lumaxies



Series: Mount Rushmore or Less! [2]
Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: 3x13 wrecked me so! we!, Angst, M/M, Self-Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 22:58:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17969669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumaxies/pseuds/lumaxies
Summary: If he can dig his nails far enough into his palm, he thinks, then the pain will distract him from the dagger in his heart.





	loving you was sunshine, but then it poured

If he can dig his nails far enough into his palm, he thinks, then the pain will distract him from the dagger in his heart. Well, metaphorical dagger.

 

He can’t believe that he’s been so stupid. Again. What is it with him and falling for jocks that are never going to like him back? First, there’s Jonah, and his stupid girlfriend and his stupid on and off thing with Andi, and his casual rejections over and over again. And just when he’s getting over that crush, he’s all moony-eyed for some other athlete, who he thought was his friend, but really was just...using him? Pretending? He doesn’t even know.

 

And it would be one thing, if he had been casually rejected again. But this time wasn’t like that. While Jonah’s cool remarks about not wanting to be associated with him had made his stomach clench, the rejection from T.J. seemed much more...real. When he had shown up in that stupid hoodie, instead of his board shorts, it was like...someone had taken the whole world, and pulled it out from underneath him.

 

T.J. has always been the one person- the  _ one _ person who made him feel like he mattered. Like he was worth more than being a sounding board to all the drama of middle school. He makes him feel special, and wanted. He listens to him, and challenges him, and he changed him for the better. When he thinks about his future, one year, five years, ten years in advance, T.J. is always apart of it (to what extent, of course, varies from timeline to timeline- but he’s important, nonetheless!). He didn’t think feelings this strong could be one-sided.

 

He just feels like such an idiot. He spent so much of his time pining. So much of his time thinking of T.J., and hanging out with T.J., and being loyal to T.J., and defending T.J. to his friends and to his parents. Because he thought that there was something deeper, something more between them. But, look where that loyalty got him. Stuck in some ridiculous rock costume, with gray paint all over his face, eyes red and raw from crying, trying to figure out what the hell he’s supposed to do now, what he’s supposed to tell his friends.

 

He wants to scream at him. To beat his fists against his chest, and yell, and cry, and tell him everything that’s been running through his head since nine o’clock this morning. Tell him: You’re not the best friend and love of my life that I’ve spent the last month enamored with. You did this to me. You broke my heart, because one person isn’t enough to keep a love alive forever. For any amount of time. Maybe we were something, but now that something is nothing. It can be crumpled up, and thrown away, because it’s not this precious, special thing like I mistook it to be.

 

But he can’t. He won’t. Because not only has T.J. ripped his still-beating heart out of his chest and stomped on it, he walked away afterwards, and he hasn’t seen or heard from him since.

 

And maybe that’s really what’s hurting him the most. That it was so easy for him to walk away, to act like Cyrus never existed. Did he ever mean anything to him?

 

“It’s okay,” He’ll tell his friends later. “It was a lesson. Be careful with your heart. Be suspicious, because some people will use the love you give them, and stab you in the back once they get bored.”

 

He’ll pretend not to notice the worried looks they exchange. He’ll pretend not to care that they only know about this because they’re mad about the way their Rushmore picture turned out, and they confronted him about it. He’ll pretend that this, that all of this, is no skin off of his back, that he’s going to be just fine. He’ll pretend that T.J. never meant that much anyway- that he was just some guy, a sort-of friend. A sort-of friend that turned in his neighbor, and brought challah to his Bubbe’s shiva, and helped him open a bottle of apple cider at his Bar Mitzvah so he wouldn’t embarrass himself in front of everyone, because that’s what sort-of friends do. He’ll pretend that his heart isn’t in pieces, because he has to. 

 

From the beginning, people had warned him that he would come second to T.J.’s reputation. He never listened. So, really, maybe this was just a long time coming. He thinks that maybe he loves him, but he knows that he can’t wait around any longer. Was it ever competition if he never stood a chance?

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter @mcboings thx


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